Red, White and Dude

RW&D Biography: Jennifer Lopez

Benjamin Spanklin — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 13:09:22 GMT

People often ask me how I spend my evenings, and my response is usually, "I want my lawyer." But the truth is that I am obsessed with the Bio network on cable. I'll stop whatever I'm doing to watch almost any of the biography episodes they show, especially since they show a lot of mafia stuff, but mainly because they make anything seem interesting. So I thought it would be fun and informative to put together my own Bios to change things up on Fridays. And because when I develop ideas, your girlfriend becomes moist.

My Bio subject for this Friday, August 22, is the Puerto Rican Diva, Mrs. Jennifer Lopez.

(Jennifer Lopez and her husband, Skeletor.)

Jennifer Maria Carlita Rosa Lopez was born on March 14, 1967, in Puerto Rico's capital, Puerto Rico City. Her parents, Juan and Maribel, were poor merchants, who helped turn the country's crippling overabundance of flags into extra clothes for its citizens as they journeyed to the new hopes that existed beyond the waters of the Atlantic and the shores of America. Among those citizens was little Jenny, whose parents sent her to live in the Bronx, New York.

Dressed in a sequined tank top and a pair of denim shorts crammed up her toddler crack, a three-year old Jenny began dancing on street corners for money, as she developed her own unique style and attitude that critics would later call a cross between whore and cunt. By the age of 18, she took a job as a "Fly Girl" on the hit comedy show "In Living Color." It was on this show that Jennifer was first noticed by famed blind talent scout Archibald Steinstein, who was world renowned for using his sense of smell to locate the fattest asses.

Lopez went on to become a multi-platinum recording artists, with hits like "Jenny From the Block," which detailed her down-to-Earth attitude and her devotion to keeping it real, as well as "Fuck You, I Don't Owe You Shit," which celebrates independence spawned from success. She also appeared in Oscar-caliber films like The Cell and Gigli, further cementing her in the annals of the greatest women to have ever lived in this world or any other.

But all was not well for our Baroness of Boricua. After her and husband Marc Anthony welcomed twins into their humble world in February 2008, Lopez was eager to get back out there and continue to show the world how important and relevant she is. Only six months after crapping out matching arm accessories, Lopez trained vigorously to run in a mini-triathlon, which is like a regular triathlon, except ridiculously shorter. Essentially, it's like a fart compared to a long dump. But it was J-Lo's fart and the world should know about her courage. Sadly, the country and media were more transfixed on an unknown swimmer in the O-something. Lopez wondered aloud why she wasn't the top story. After all, she was the one competing in a mini triathlon only six months after giving birth to twins, not that selfish Phelps prick.

As she always does, though, Lopez stole the media's focus. However, it wasn't in the glorious way she normally had. Sadly, on the final leg of the mini triathlon, as she swam toward the finish line, J-Lo was eaten by a fucking shark. It was odd, because the swimming portion took place in a lake, but who are we to question nature?

I should have been an Olympic athlete

Burnsy — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 11:50:14 GMT

As the Olympics are coming to a close, the focus is less on which country has won the most medals (U-S-A! U-S-A!) or which country has cheated to win the most golds (cough, China, cough) and more on which athletes are laying pipe in the Olympic Village.

("TIME TO BONE!")

According to Matthew Syed, a former Olympic athlete who earned a gold medal in me never hearing of him, once all of the major sports wrap up, the town turns into a freakfest. It's a lot like when I finish my rough 20-minute routine of walking around the gym, looking at machines and then going home to eat leftover pizza.

I played my first Games in Barcelona in 1992 and got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than in the rest of my life up to that point. That is to say twice, which may not sound a lot, but for a 21-year-old undergraduate with crooked teeth, it was a minor miracle.

A minor miracle might be a world class athlete getting some poon on top of his medals, but a major miracle is getting the USA basketball team out without rape charges. I'm looking at you, Sue Bird.

It has happened, the third has finally passed

Burnsy — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:19:32 GMT

They say that shocking celebrity deaths come in threes, and as we watched Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes pass away, we wondered collectively who the third would be. Some people had the audacity to say it was some dude from Dave Matthews Band, but people who take part in releasing the same CD seven different times and then die from ATV crash complications don't count as shocking.

No, friends. The third shocking celebrity death is that of Julius Carry, a 53-year old character actor whose first acting role was in Disco Godfather. He was also a regular on Hill Street Blues and Moesha. But we'll always remember him for his most important role, perhaps one of the most important movie roles EVER...

Rest in peace, Sho Nuff.

Welcoming the newest political party

Burnsy — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:14:07 GMT

One of the best things about being really good at my job is that I have plenty of time to scour the Interwebs for the cutting edge in hilarity. And, of course, there's nothing I love more than some quality biting political satire. So allow me to introduce you to the Republicrats.

John McCain is an old man, doesn't know any better

Admiral ROCKdale — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 08:33:31 GMT

Responding to Republican claims that Barack Obama is an elitist, Democrats are firing back at John McCain, pointing out his lavish lifestyle as he apparently owns a bunch of houses. The only problem is that nobody — including McCain — knows how many houses he owns. McCain's camp says John and Cindy own four properties, but Democrats say that total is more like seven.

In related news, I don't own any properties because the economy is in the shitter.

(McCain's prime piece of real estate.)

I'll be the first to admit this is the kind of story that makes me yawn and turn to the sports section. Then again, that's what I get for reading a story on Politico before I've even had my morning coffee. Politico is the online version of that relative you have who sends out anti-McCain emails all day, calling him Bush's lapdog. What's that, Politico? McCain was once in the same room as Bush, therefore he obviously supports all of his views? That's it, I'm voting for Obama.

As a person who works in politics, I appreciate media bias like this:

McCain’s comments came four days after he initially told Pastor Rick Warren during a faith forum on Sunday his threshold for considering someone rich is $5 million — a careless comment he quickly corrected.

These people make my job so freaking easy. They also make me drink a lot, because there is no hope for the media in this country.

Fay's on the way to ruin the day, sure is gay

Burnsy — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 09:15:58 GMT

~~Hurricane~~ Tropical Storm Fay has residents of my home state of Florida in a tizzy today. Since last night I've already heard 11 references to Hurricane Katrina and how prepared we should be. For a tropical storm. That's already hit land. And won't get stronger. Unless it goes back out into the Gulf and sits in one place for a few days.

Yeah, I'm frightened.

(FACT: Adding strings to any classic 80s hair metal song makes it one billion times cooler.)

Obama's VP to come from America's wang?

Admiral ROCKdale — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:13:01 GMT

Seeing as we're a non-profit humor blog, we don't have to answer to anyone about anything (so says our lawyer, the honorable John Q. Fuckyourmom) and we can pretty much make up anything we want. Like, for instance, we could say that John McCain's cougar wife Cindy's recent arm boo-boo was the result of her love for Tijuana back alley knife fights. Obviously that's not true, but if that's what we decide to run with then so be it. After all, we do have 10 times more credibility than FOX News.

(Sean Hannity is impotent because of his fetish for slamming his dick in car doors. Actually, that one is true.)

But we found this idea pretty interesting, and it might actually merit more than just a hearty laugh or a raised eyebrow. While both parties are known to keep very tight lips about who the frontrunners are for vice presidents, you can sometimes get an idea of who might be in the lead based on web site domains. Like, for instance, if you go to www.obamaedwards.com, you can probably rule out the currently embattled John Edwards. Or, if you go to www.obamaclinton.com, you'd likely guess that Hilldawg ain't in the running except in the minds of some idiot with a Cafe Press account.

And let's just pick one more random name out of the air as a possible running mate for Barack Obama... how about Florida's Bill Nelson? Yeah, that sounds like a reach. So let's just click on www.obamanelson.com and see there's nothing to it... oh, well I'll be a Democrat's running mate.

(Special thanks to our DC insider, Shallow Throat)

All hail the mayor of Beer Gogglia

Benjamin Spanklin — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 11:49:02 GMT

The town of Mount Isa in Australia's outback has a little problem — there aren't enough women for all of the men. So mayor John Moloney did what any good wingmayor would do. He invited the country's ugly women to move in.

(In Australia, Linda Kozlowski is the definition of perfection.)

Moloney's remarks have outraged people, not because he's trying to attract ugly women to move to Mount Isa, but because the town's men don't like him advertising their desperation nor his assumption that they'll settle for anything. In fact, the men are so upset they've stopped humping wallabies long enough to voice their opinions. However, the mayor defends his remarks, saying that he's not calling for ugly women so much as he's asking for chicks who are doable.

"Well I said beauty disadvantaged," he told national radio. "Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty can be a good set of teeth, beauty is nice wavy hair. Beauty can be blue eyes or green eyes.

"There is such a thing as disposition, temperament, manners, general attractiveness, attitude and demeanour, all those things tend to make a person attractive."

Wrong! Beauty is a nice set of jugs and breath that doesn't smell like a moose fart. I'm all for sacrificing the quality of women if it means saving the men from resorting to romancing the bone. Then again, New Jersey brought in all of New York's ugly women and the men still spend their days greasing each other up, so I guess it's a crap shoot.

You know what? Just for shits and giggles

Burnsy — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:44:39 GMT

I saw this video over at my beloved FilmDrunk.com and I realized that I had to share it to help express my original point about 90210:

And I also can't make mention of the Heights without asking the most important question ever... just how do you talk to an angel?

Now go enjoy that weekend of yours, you've earned it.

Photos of the Day: RAPID FIRE... WITH BLOOD!!!

Burnsy — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:57:56 GMT

"These chicks know we're ugly and gay, right?"

Israeli soldier: "Stop it."
Palestinian: "Stop what? I'm not touching you."
Israeli soldier: "Real mature, dude."
Palestinian: "I am mature. You're the one who will rot in hell."

"Whatever will we do now that our house has flooded? I know, plug in the TV."

Reporter: "Mrs. McCain, what happened to your arm?"
Cindy McCain: "I... I fell down."

"Mmmmm, mmmmm! Watermelon!"

"Stay still, bitch. It's last call and I ain't goin' home alone."

Happy Friday, everybody!

There's no reason this should be happening

Burnsy — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 08:43:39 GMT

I know that the CW "network's" revival of Beverly Hills 90210 has been common knowledge for quite some time now, but much like everything else that the CW has ever produced, I just haven't given two doodie squirts. Then I read how Tori Spelling turned down resurrecting Donna Martin and I realized that this must be a colossal failure already. I mean, it's not like she has anything successful handcuffing her schedule.

Then I watched the cast interview trailer for the new 90210 and I got a little sad.

Why did they have to dig up a legendary show just to rehash plots and further tarnish a legacy that was already brutally tarnished by the original show's last three seasons, as well as the wicked awful spin-off The Heights (ed. note - Melrose Place fucking ruled!)? Why couldn't the CW just stick to what it already does so well — bleeding a genre dry by creating new shows that are carbon copy ripoffs of its previous failures? Why dredge this institution of primetime soap operas through the gutter one more time?

I, for one, do not want to see the great memories of David Silver's douchebag friend accidentally killing himself or Andrea Zucker's illegal immigrant boyfriend or Steve Sanders' super sweet 'fro perm or all those nights at the Peach Pit with under-the-radar pedophile Nat be buried by this new cast of halfwits and cookie cutter Abercrombie models. Seriously, what's with the jackass with the guitar? I'm betting he's the offbeat personality of the show. Awesome. At least the producers were edgy enough to add a black guy to the cast. Dollars to donuts, the black guy gets as much screen time as the gay dude from Melrose Place.

The only possible redeeming quality of this show is the presence of the super hot Annalynne McCord, who was redonkulous on Nip/Tuck, and my 2008 Cougar Hall of Fame inductee Lori Loughlin. I'll watch for them. On mute. In the dark. While I whip myself. But just for them.

Swedish meatball leaves sour taste

Benjamin Spanklin — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:40:44 GMT

Swedish wrassler Ara Abrahamian told the Olympic wrestling judges what he thought of their scoring earlier this morning, as he threw his bronze medal on the floor and walked off the medal podium during the ceremony. Ara was upset about the final decision in his earlier match with eventual gold medalist Andrea Minguzzi of Italy. In fairness, I'd be pretty pissed, too, if I lost to a girl.

What's that? Oh, Andrea's a dude's name? Well, that's pretty gay.

("I don't roll around with sweaty men for anything less than silver!"

After his epic hissy fit, Ara told reporters that his bronze medal match, which he admittedly only competed in because of the urging of his teammates and friends, would be his last match of his career. After his match with Minguzzi, Ara angrily confronted the judges panel while being restrained by his teammates as his Swedish fans filled the arena with loud boos.

Abrahamian shouted at the referee and judges then went over to their seats to speak to them up close. He angrily threw off the restraining arm of a team official then turned and left.

Swedish fans booed loudly as the judges filed out of the arena. Abrahamian said nothing to waiting reporters but whacked an aluminium barricade with his fist as he left the hall.

He then turned to the nearest camera and shouted, "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BROTHER! MINGUZZI, YOU AIN'T HEARD THE LAST OF ME! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, SNEAK UP ON YOU LIKE A RABID JUNGLE CAT AND I WILL GET MY TITLE SHOT! I'M CALLING YOU OUT RIGHT NOW! WRESTLEMANIA, ME AND YOU. NO HOLDS BARRED, LADDERS AND CHAIRS MATCH! I'M GONNA BE THE ROOSEVELT AND CHURCHILL TO YOUR MUSSOLINI! NOW AIN'T THAT SWEDE?"

Julia Child served up some Nazi stew

Admiral ROCKdale — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:20:51 GMT

Best known as a world-class chef, Julia Child had a secret that she had kept for more than 60 years: she was a freaking spy. Part of President Franklin Roosevelt's Office of Strategic Services, Child belonged to a ring of spies that included a number of famous celebrities, athletes and upper crust socialites, which included Roosevelt's sons, Chicago White Sox catcher Moe Berg and Supreme Court Justice Arthur Goldberg.

(Child never went anywhere without her trusty fish bazooka.)

The OSS, of course, was a precursor to the CIA, and previously classified files will be released today that will unveil the names of more than 24,000 U.S. operatives who aided in the fight against the Nazis. The majority of the spies who are still alive are finally revealing their secrets to their loved ones and to the public after keeping to their lifetime vow of silence for six decades.

They were soldiers, actors, historians, lawyers, athletes, professors, reporters. But for several years during World War II, they were known simply as the OSS. They studied military plans, created propaganda, infiltrated enemy ranks and stirred resistance among foreign troops.

In related news, I blamed a fart on my sister during Thanksgiving dinner when I was ten years old. Phew! I feel like a true hero finally getting that off my chest.

Paris Hilton still worthless

Ruffeus Q Bumplemeyer — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 11:56:23 GMT

Worldwide Entertainment Group Inc. is suing Paris Hilton because the company alleges that the whorebrat didn't hold up her end of the bargain by contractually making appearances to support her film National Lampoons Pledge This. If you don't happen to recall Pledge This, it's because you didn't see it. Or, to clarify further, nobody saw it. Except for assholes who buy DVDs of movies that go straight to DVD.

The Miami-based concern said it paid Hilton and her company, Paris Hilton Entertainment Inc., $1 million for "Hilton's acting services" and for "reasonable promotion and publicity" for the movie, which was released in 2006 and featured Hilton as the president of an exclusive sorority.

I wasn't in a fraternity and I never had the ~~penile discharge~~ pleasure of dating a sorority girl, but if Paris Hilton is the best representative these "filmmakers" could find, then I'd like to go back to college and be an even bigger recluse than I already was. Alas, as much as I'd like to make fun of Paris for this, I don't really blame her. I'll let you, the handful of RW&D readers, be the judge of the value of this movie:

Oh, Simon Rex, even better.

(Video language NSFW, so either make sure your boss is out taking a squatter or you wait til you get home.)

Spain puts pee pee in China's Coke

Benjamin Spanklin — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:50:37 GMT

This story is a few days old, but it bears touching on because it involves racism and that has a tendency to be funny when it doesn't involve us white folk supplying the bigotry. In this case, the offenders belong to Spain's men's basketball team, as they took a team photo that is a bit culturally... slanted.

(Show me sexy... show me sassy... now, show me chinky... wait, no.)

I'm disgusted by this. I mean, this is the 21st century. Racism has no doubt been alive in this world since the dawn of time, and I can't believe that in this age of knowledge and education we still have people who are this blindingly intolerant. This is just amateur hour.

Don't they know that when you're making fun of Chinese people you're supposed to pull your eye corners up? This is basic elementary school racism, folks. Chinese = Up. Japanese = Back. All others = Down. Stupid Spaniards, they probably don't even make their shirt titties properly when they tell you to "look at these." Grow up, Spain.

Excuse me, but I asked for no hepatitis

Burnsy — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 08:40:24 GMT

Nobody ever said finding our Dipshit of the Year would be easy — or clean — but we continue on, finding the Dipshittiest just for you.

If you've ever been to Ohio, then you know that it ranks behind only New Jersey and Alabama as the taint of America. That's why it doesn't surprise me to read that I shouldn't bother stopping for fast food the next time I'm in Ohio.

I've always said that your 24th birthday is pretty much the last good birthday you'll have, because that's when Peter Pan is supposed to die. But there are three types of people who kill that theory: 1) The absurdly wealthy; 2) Eternal frat boys (guilty as charged) and 3) Scumbag white trash.

Meet "Mr. Unstable," a 25-year old Burger King employee, or in this case former employee. The pride of Miami, Ohio, Mr. Unstable doesn't use his traditional name and furthermore makes this country's future look great by bathing in equipment-cleaning sinks at his restaurant of employment. I'll hand it over to good old Mr. Unstable from here:

And here I was thinking that having my 30th birthday at Medieval Times would be a fun way to celebrate my age milestone. Make sure to steer clear of any Orlando area Arby's around Memorial Day weekend next year.

Is it November yet?

Burnsy — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:02:49 GMT

Red Sox to Dodgers: "Have you not been paying attention?"

Benjamin Spanklin — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:15:40 GMT

After perhaps one of the biggest blockbuster trades in baseball history, the Los Angeles Dodgers are learning the hard way that Manny Ramirez is a gigantic pain in the ass who only cares about himself and has no regard for anyone else in the clubhouse because he's a greedy dick who just wants money, even if it means sabotaging his team in order to get it because he's a prick. I hate him and apparently Joe Torre isn't too fond of his antics either.

(If only we could travel back in time and put him back where he was found.)

Further proving why so many Americans continue to despise baseball, the big story is that Manny Ramirez and Joe Torre are at odds over the aging leftfielder's long dreadlocks, as Torre has asked him to trim them back and ManRam has agreed but hasn't done it. Really? This is baseball news as the three-quarter mark of the season just passed?

Here's a great idea, since the Dodgers won't resign the once-prominent-now-less-than-average star because he's asking for $20-plus: Host a special fan contest, in which a chosen season ticket holder gets to run on the field at some point and the security will tackle Manny instead of the fan, allowing the fan to shave off all of his hair. That way Manny will already be on the ground so he won't hurt himself laying down for that nap he's going to take during the last three weeks of the season.

The Chinese are sneaky, love Milli Vanilli

Admiral ROCKdale — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:46:35 GMT

I don't think any of us here at RW&D are really into the Olympics that much, other than our hetero man admiration of what a badass Michael Phelps is or how his swim team provided the humiliation of the loser French swim team, mainly because host country China has managed to fuck it all up right from the start. After admitting that the opening ceremony's fireworks were fake, it has now been revealed that the little girl they had sing the Chinese national anthem wasn't doing the singing.

I haven't been this upset since C+C Music Factory was exposed for having Zelma Davis lip-sync to Martha Wash's vocals in their videos. How could you do this to me, C+C?!?! You were gonna make me sweat, dammit.

(Me Chinese, me play joke, me throw ugly girl in Yellow River.)

The show's director apparently came clean about the old switcheloo, saying that the girl on the right won some sort of national contest and they recorded her version of Hymn to the Motherland, but then had the girl on the left pretend to perform it because the Chinese government wanted a girl who was, how you say, not hideous.

At the last moment a member of the Chinese politburo who was watching a rehearsal pronounced that the winner, a girl called Yang Peiyi, might have a perfect voice but was unsuited to the lead role because of her buck teeth.

So, on the night, while a pre-recording of Yang Peiyi singing was played, Lin Miaoke, who has already featured in television advertisements, was seen but not heard.

I'd like to pretend that I'm all up in arms about this, but I'm really not. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, and I actually encourage more mediums to employ this behavior. Imagine, you have Celine Dion's powerful voice but you have the option to watch Miranda Kerr sing it instead. Which would you choose? Or let's say Kirstie Alley gives a powerhouse performance in a movie (remember, this is purely hypothetical) but you can watch Amber Heard. I think we're on to something here.

Well played, China.

Al Franken draws his biggest laugh yet

Admiral ROCKdale — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:02:18 GMT

For some reason, Al Franken's senate campaign in Minnesota is considered national news. I guess it's because he's considered a celebrity, but I refuse to recognize his as such seeing as I believe the key aspect of being a celebrity is possessing talent. That may sound rude, but he's never made me laugh and I'm usually all for any comedian who makes a career out of ripping Republicans.

That said, it's only fitting that Franken held a roundtable meeting on issues pertaining to veterans and only one person showed up. Sadly, that person was just trying to get his $6 back from Stuart Saves His Family.

(I'm sure there was a hilarious reason for this.)

Franken hoped to use the event to discuss his plans to revamp the state's veteran policies, and to expose the faulty leadership of his opponent, Sen. Norm Coleman. The one man who showed up was Josh John, a naval veteran of four years, and he really didn't have any complaints about current veterans issues:

“My mom and my aunt eventually got me to talk with my county VSO. He got me registered with the VA and since then, I haven’t had a problem. I’ve gotten a lot of help, and every question I’ve gotten answered,” John said.

But I'm sure Franken will respond to the poor turnout by saying if there had been more wheelchair ramps the veterans wouldn't have been stuck in the street outside the cafe. Except he'll make it much wordier and so dry that you'll sit there and try to figure out where the joke is, and then Franken will say, "You'd probably get it if you were smarter." Because he's a dick.